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Update - 31 August 2003
Dear All,
In life, there is a hidden cost in saying hello- it is that at some stage, you will have to say good-bye. Yet we should never to afraid to say hello, for such fear would generate a life not worth living- a life without friends. Those who say hello have continued to embrace Wendy. I always remember Fiona, when it all began, saying in a lovely card for Wendy that, while friendship was still fledgling, she had a desire to get to know Wendy better. Since that time, Fiona has become a true support, both to our family and Wendy. Friends throughout the city, state, country and world allow us to embrace a life of true worth. We hope that the good bye for our friend Wendy is long away, but the cancer is real and extensive. We have got this far, against the odds, because of the extensive support of so many- both physical and through an incredible pray network that has seen the reversal of dire battles in the war. Wendy's pain thresholds have been sorely tested over the weekend. The fentanyl 75 microgram per hour patches, changed every 3 days, have not lasted well through Wendy's hot showers and have simply fallen off. Not exactly optimal, and I consider has added to Wendy's significant discomfort. She is continually tired, and said earlier today that she finds it difficult to breath. I would say this is anaemia. Further blood tests on Tuesday, prior to the next lot of chemo, will give a better picture. We share Hope- for hope is something to be shared- and it is something that does not dissipate with sharing- rather, I think it grows. A recent children's talk at church involved a gift. Cameron G. showed the children the wrapped gift, and told them to line up for a big running race. They ran flat out. Samuel followed the children, and not seeing Grandad or Daddy (Wendy being too unwell to attend that service), got half way around the church before bursting into tears, the main body of children having finished the lap leaving the hap-hazard but daring Samuel in their tracks. Cameron asked the survivors, "Who gets the gift"? After much whispering, including a claim by both the first placed and even the last, and hesitancy among the youngsters, the answer was "the one who asked for it". Somehow, among a bevy of children, Emma scored on that front, and unwrapped the gift to reveal a gourmet of sweets. The theme being, if others now asked Emma, she would 'on-give' what she had just freely received. Emma did, although she rationed the supply for those coming back for seconds and thirds, and even one child for an adventurous fourth! I thought I saw a few big children, the ones over 50's, wanting some as well! For the Hope Wendy may on-give, we do in a similar manner to that children's activity. Hope is special to our family. Earlier today we had a discussion about favourite Hymns. Ev's is "Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart, naught be all else to me, save that thou art- thou my best thought, by day or by night, waking or sleeping, thy presence my light". Ev loves the Irish melody and the inspiring words. In contrast, my mother in law Bev has numerous favourites, with her choice of Easter hymn found in the Australian Hymn Book number 266: "There is a green hill far away, outside a city wall, where the dear Lord was crucified, who died to save us all" and then continuing in the second verse, "We may not know, we cannot tell, what pain he had to bear, but we believe it was for us he hung and suffered there."
On that hill outside a city wall, hymn 266 reminds us that a stand took place where we saw courage resulting in Victory. Victory we could not have pre-empted with human understanding. We continue in battle, our stand based on innumerable stands of others beginning with that central stand, and offensive, two thousand years ago. Stands based on hope that transited from expectation to delivery and outcome. We know that such stands will be taking place two thousand years hence- always in hope- using resources that God has given, and carrying those making their stand. Stands supported by His Love and strength; whatever the circumstances; whenever the time. Hope will always be needed, and always given. Leprosy was incurable two thousand years ago, cancer is the worry modern, and something just as physically and soul destroying will exist in a hundred, a thousand and ten thousand years for future generations. Hope is something that has us in a bear hug. We appreciate and know that many others hold high the torch of Hope.
Outside that city wall, I Am Who I Am continues as the author of the true Word that cried in pain but determination. Time circles around the event where He Who Is proclaimed in defeat and victory, "It is finished". It is finished- the work of Jesus is complete. All strength and power comes from that true centre, the true beginning, and the true finish. For outside of the Cross-of Salvation, there is no before, no after, or between- there is no lasting meaning, but only transitory values of straw. In that stand and offensive, we have eternity, existence outside of time in fellowship with "He Who Is". Already, in spite of adversity, reminded by adversity, we appreciate life beyond measure offered and given to us in fullness. And we have a bonus, we have a Friend who carries us and gives us meaning. Without that stand, we have nothing but vain attempts to reach the unreachable, we fail in our imperfection. Wendy and I, and to the degree we may for Emma, Joshua and Samuel, have made our choice, and rest our futures on that stand outside that city wall. Cancer reminds us that many things we attempt are vain- but Love conquers the fall, and gives back and continues to provide true Life, true refreshment of Living water, even when facing such illness. We have hope.
Like a mirror reflecting on a mirror, our stand is one that is imaged on the experiences of others. Stands beginning of old, from genesis, where stands were made in God's strength and responded to in promise. Those stands founded the way that support an array of stands, all beginning and ending with faith tied to hope, and hope centred on faith. Like other stands, and particularly the one outside that city wall, we do not surrender or wish to short-change the power from that Stand where all reflection of living value begins. For to give up or concede what we have been given is a mistake.
In 1519 a Spanish conquistador by the name of Cortez led a band of buccaneers and mercenaries to conquer the huge kingdom (with organised armies) of the Aztecs, under the rule of Emperor Montezuma. The capital city of Tenochtitlan alone had an estimated 60,000 houses and 300,000 residents. The Spaniards were a pitiful handful by comparison. How? A legend. A "white god" supposedly brought culture and education to the indigenous inhabitants and was due to return around 22 April, 519. The predictive modelling of the Aztec star gazers worked in 52 year cycles, with Cortez showing up on time wearing what legend intimated, landing close to where the "white god" centuries before had departed. The Indians considered Cortez was the legend returning to take the realm, and the Emperor made his initial and ultimately fatal decisions based on this premise. The Aztecs effectively surrendered when they really had a significant number of options. Montezuma chose the way that his many advisors saw as viable because that is the way the indicators seemed to point.
Cancer is a legend; it is a "white god" very much in lower case letters. Cancer is something embellished with a cloak of fear and high degrees of negative confidence and predictive modelling. Cancer has had its talons in Wendy for a long time compared to the initial prognosis, and we have been close to death twice. Wendy has extensive cancer, and of a nature which is aggressive and painful. When in pain, when reading scan reports and seeing the war going against us, others are tempted to surrender with prayers of compliancy. But we choose not too. We choose to continue in a stand and to stand with what our God has given. Yes, we subject our prayers to His Will, but it would be a mistake to assume anything apart from the Bible being a book about restored relationships, about healing. Through reading the gift, centred on an ultimate stand in this most published of drama and comic, from nightmare to euphoria, from doom to salvation, the Bible allows opportunity to glimpse our Creator. After reading this book several times, I believe "subject to His will" does not mean ending- it means beginning. While we surrender to God's rule and sovereignty, while we hand death over to our God and say this is one option, we know God has many options. Just because a legend seems to point to an obvious way, we do not want to rob the extensive options that really exist by simply conceding to parameters others say fit. We choose the option for asking He Who May Do Anything to heal. By not robbing the cross of its power- something we are very good at doing, but by acknowledging the power and relying on the power, the impossible becomes possible, as we transit to faith and hope built on incredible Love.
Wendy and I do not believe He has given us a spirit of surrender, but rather His Spirit inspires us to fight, to stand, to continue in a Hope centred on the Cross- a cross of forgiveness and reconciliation, of power, and healing. We stand on the finished and completed work of Jesus. We stand on a broken cross and resurrected Saviour.
Thankyou for standing with us. Thankyou for sharing our Hope, and for providing powerful Spirit inspired prayer. Thankyou for fighting the legend of cancer through such prayer, and for keeping options open, for truly allowing His Will Be Done. Thankyou for not limiting His Will to our own limited beliefs much based on the success of a false "white god" in the very old but only recently recognised battle with cancer. Thankyou for grasping what "His Will" means in the Bible- a Bible about healing. In the unseen battle in the spiritual world, prayer is the key to victory and this translates to our lives powerfully.
Cheers,
Graham for Wendy, Emma, Joshua and Samuel
Update - 26 August 2003
Dear All,
We seek a dove bringing a freshly plucked olive leaf of promise. Despite a rough weekend, where Wendy continued to be sick and despondent from not being able to see something we could grapple and hold, we had an updraft of relief yesterday that continued through today's chemo. Yesterday, a general practitioner doctor friend visited, and after discussion, we now attribute Wendy's recent down-spiral, in the main, to the tramal, and the cold turkey style of breaking that connection. While we had a weekend limited to bed, exhaustion and depression, we now have positive delight- and the smile and ability to take food continues as real uplift for the family. As for the white blood cells? One of the nurses at the clinic, Meri-Ellen summarised the status with "while not fantastic, they aren't all that bad either". So, we managed the more aggressive Navelbine and Herceptin. Our oncologist wants full CT scans next week. Wendy anticipates they will be bad- not because we are pessimistic, its just that inconsistent treatment means bad results will show... hence, prayer for some good news would be a wonderful and very welcome surprise.
Perhaps one day the now extensive e-mail updates may become a journal? The non-fiction will be an insight into foundations that have supported Wendy so that, in spite of circumstances, we can have real joy. And those foundations include the domestic and international support we have come to recognise as extensive and genuine. The journal would be as much about others as it will be about us. Nicole, who sits with Wendy when having chemo on a regular basis, suggests the front of Wendy's journal might be a tree. The tree will have character borne of the elements, displaying really significant roots, perhaps highlighted by some soil washed away to reveal systems of root substance anchored onto an immovable rock- being the foundation.
I marvel at the e-mails and messages of support, and again highlight some of the heart centred material that causes us to soar on wings of eagles, to take our stand, even when we expect further bad news from the next CT scans. Again, from Meagan in New York. The words echo Wendy's sentiments.
"It had taken me so long to gather my thoughts but once I started tapping, out it all came, straight from the heart. I so desperately want Wendy to be well and you know, its not just for herself and your family that I want this, but for what it means to all of us young (and I use that phrase loosely) mums that are confronted by this insidious disease. You know when you sit down and visualise your life plan, many things come to mind. We all deal with a variety of hardships. Whether it be the loss of an unborn child, the disappointment of a spouse losing his job or perhaps a child with difficulties at school. These are all things that we wonder about whether it will happen to us and how will we deal with it if it does and will I have the strength to cope. Having cancer while you still have small children at home, depending on you, in your case three, in my case four, is just something that you never contemplate and I think that is part of the shock that you deal with upon diagnosis. Not that it can't happen to me but that it can't happen to me now. The symbolism of winning against this monster, proving it wrong, letting it know that even though it can be ruthless....that the desire of a young mum to be here, to nurture her small children, to see them grow, to guide them and help them achieve their own goals in life, gives us an edge that this "thing" never anticipated. Wendy and I and others like us, have taken a stand. We have a desire that throws the statistics out the window and allows us to write the rules. We all want to win but there is a difference between wanting to and believing that you can. And maybe it won't be me, maybe it won't be Wendy but we have done our best believing all along that we can. I am not sure of your beliefs but I believe the master plan for me is in place. I was chosen to be here, to fight this for whatever reason. It may have been revealed to me and I might not yet be able to see or perhaps it will become clear to me in the future. But fight we will with a desire unique to a moth
Give Wendy my love. She is now on my aunt's prayer tree, which extends as far as Ireland and the Jersey Islands. Thank you for the prayers for myself. Although I have the somewhat dubious honour of being in remission, it is a scary place to be and my hold on it tenuous if you read the stats. I am fighting strongly to stay here ideally forever but at least long enough to be able to give more to my family. I cannot pray for myself so appreciate the kind prayers of others to support me."
After reading inspiration and the stand from another cancer sufferer, also one with a young family with such fighting spirit, our stand is not unique. The journey touches others and causes heart wrenching requests to God to act in powerful Spirit inspired ways.
As mentioned in a previous update, an attempt is being made to grow a cell line from Wendy's brain tumours taken on 28 July 2003; to be potentially used in research by a Melbourne based company to further our and other people's stand against cancer. This type of cell line has not been attempted before at the Institute, and a number of medical research PhD persons have given advice. When they visit to see the cell line progress, they talk to the persons responsible for attempting the growth. One of these PhD cancer research pioneers, when being appraised that we did not know the primary, suggested we contact the Director of Research, the Peter MacCallum Cancer Institute, University of Melbourne, to seek some very special assistance. Some extracts from the Director's material is found at the web address www.pmci.unimelb.edu.au/director/index.asp. I quote just a little from his web page:
"As researchers, care providers and physicians we need to learn how to individualise cancer treatment. We are finding that breast cancer for example, is not one disease but several, each with specific molecular changes that dictate distinct responses to treatment. Identifying the molecular subtypes of breast, colon, lung, prostate and other cancers has become possible through the use of DNA microarrays and other advanced technologies that make extensive use of the human DNA sequence. The 'gene signatures' identified using microarrays offer tremendous potential to predict outcome and titrate aggressiveness of treatment and drug selection, to match the underlying defects in an individual's cancer. Many newly developed drugs are expensive and yet will only work in a subset of patients - those whose cancer has the underlying defects to which the drugs are directed. Hence it is essential that we develop approaches that can determine when a drug is likely to work and when it will probably fail."
The matters covered by the Professor in the preceding paragraph highlights "microarrays". I have sent out a potential dove, and wait to see if it returns empty or with a plucked leaf of hope. I have asked the Director of Research if he will consider testing some of the frozen material from Wendy's brain tumours, to see if the microarray process will tell us about the primary. As I mentioned a few e-mails back- the primary is part of the incomplete puzzle, and how it all comes together, particularly the missing pieces, is something impossible to forecast.
We continue to have Hope that remains certain in the outcome, and we are better for it. In Genesis 8, Noah did a very practical thing for a man "confined to ark", stuck on a very high mountain, and needing to know if the water had receded to allowing habitation of lower regions. I imagine he had limited peripheral vision, impeded by mist and clouds, as he sat on top of Mount Ararat. Even though he had survived so much, he was probably thinking a raft of uncertain thoughts about the future and what was being held for him. Simply, he did not know. We look back on our recent history, and we have now survived two extreme examples relating to death, firstly with a chemo that did not work and coming to a whisker between life and death before testing for the Her-2 protein and engaging the Herceptin and Navelbine chemo that took us to remission; then finding 7 brain tumours, one being particularly difficult, that had to be dealt with or again death looked certain. But our future? That remains just as uncertain as at any time. I can relate to Noah sitting up on that extremely high mountain, with a vista of islands read mountain tops as his view, uncertain, in a very confined and I imagine smelly space, having come through months and months and months of problems, and simply, not knowing. We have the hindsight of history and Genesis to know what was in store- he lived through it, and faced some daunting challenges for which options must have seemed so limited. Before the dove, he sent out a raven. He sent out the raven- and the nature of the bird was it gave him no clues- I cannot work out from reading the passage if it even returned. He sent out the dove, and this modern symbol of hope, peace and Holy Spirit handed down through the ages from the Noah account, returned twice.
That dove came back from its first pass empty; the second time gripping promise in the form of a freshly plucked olive leaf. The promise was certain, yet time had to progress before the symbol in that dove's beak gave reality to the lower and agriculturally significant regions becoming dry. In the midst of the greatest of floods and judgement, the release and return of the dove gave hope, promise and delivery along with the spectrum in the first rainbow that also said, Never Again. Yet after the doves second return, many days would pass before the lower lands would be available to Noah, time between hope transiting to the physical delivery of promise. What Noah must have thought during that "in-between" time? But at least the dove had returned, at least he had been given his ray of good news that the tide had literally "gone out" and the worst was over, with a change in perspective from the dubious "if" to the more solid "when".
We wait. Perhaps on this occasion, rather than bad news, we may be brought a leaf of promise, of new beginning as Noah received so long ago? We may be sent an olive leaf, in whatever its form, and recognise the hope represented. For the moment, we are still very much in our ark surrounded by, perhaps, receding waters, but not realising the water is receding. A day will come when symbols of hope will translate to physical outcomes- but we request the symbol. Perhaps the despatch of our dove is represented in my sending our letter to the Melbourne University, and linked to microarrays? Time will tell, and only on reflection will clarity be given.
Should our olive leaf be seen, its appearance will be as much of continued endurance as the Hope that it symbolises, as the olive leaf will be a mere representation of the delivery of a future miracle.
I will let people know what the CT scans reveal. We stand in Hope, seeking the prayers of many, as always,
Cheers,
Graham for Wendy, Emma, Joshua and Samuel
Update - 22 August 2003
Dear All,
January 1879, South Africa. For those who have seen the movie "Zulu", it is about leadership and where leadership is brought to the fore by circumstance. Zulu is set against a backdrop where over 1700 invading British soldiers have been slain in battle by a highly organised and disciplined Zulu army at Isandhlwana, Natal. The Battle of Isandhlwana remains one of the British army's greatest tragedies. However, this battle was followed by one of their greatest efforts of courage- Rorke's Drift. The same Zulu Impis who just demolished and then massacred an entire British army, headed to a small British hospital out-post, at a place called Rorke's Drift. 150 British soldiers, with less than 100 of those fit for duty, guarded this small mission. Rather than retreat, these few soldiers followed their orders, to "stand firm", and they held out against relentless attack by over 4000 Zulu warriors, that lasted for days.
Our sealed orders were opened long ago, and we continue to "stand firm". We continue to stand at our Drift, sometimes feeling overwhelmed, but not to the point of defeat. We have had depression, although it is being moved on a little this morning. The cause is simply, take your pick. Over the last 6 weeks, the physical events qualify; the fact she is not eating well, and low body weight; the various medications; chemo, where the Navelbine hits the bone marrow, knocking the White Knights of blood cells for a six, followed by the need to build the bone marrow up again- so we can give more Navelbine to again hit the onset of body cancer but at the same time hit the bone marrow again for a six and by default negatively impact on immunity levels; and the dilemma of the treatments, where one thing is needed, but this causes problems elsewhere, and we need something else for this and we begin the rolling viscous ball- more than a simple circle as the problems are multi plane in that so many variables impact on many different factors. Yesterday, on concern for body weight, we saw our local GP- or rather, he saw us, coming over on his afternoon off to see how Wendy is doing. We have decided to leave the tramal, and discontinued use from last night. Dr John B. changed a few other medications as well. We continue in our battle for Wendy's (Rorke's) Drift, and despite the odds, we have taken orders and continue to make our stand- with the reinforcements brought through prayer. We were touched last night as Emma's kindergarten teacher joined the rotating efforts of the school Mum's and brought a lovely dinner to our place.
Wendy received an e-mail from New York, from someone who has had cancer but is now in remission. Wendy has not been well enough to read the message yet, although I have conveyed the gist of it to her. However, it is a message of encouragement that has lifted her spirit. "...I won't tell you that you are courageous even though I think you are. I remember people saying that to me along the way and I would just look at them as if to say "like I have so many other choices right now". I sat up far to late reading all your emails in chronological order, travelling your journey with you and then this latest hurdle...
Keep the spirit alive Wendy. I have never, not even at The Gawler Foundation, met anyone as committed to being well as you are. I remember conversations we had at the clinic on the other Side and I would always feel so good after chatting with you, your positivity rubbing off on me and I am sure others around you.
I am sure that you have asked yourself "why me" like I have. I know you have very strong beliefs but I often used to shake my head and say "God...what are you THINKING"!!!! But Wendy when I read through those emails and saw how your story has captured the hearts and souls of people from across all walks of life, all over the world, I thought about how we are all learning from you and gaining from your experience. Sitting here the other night, reading those emails lifted me out of my own little patch of the post-chemo blues. I thought to myself if Wendy can still smile and play jigsaws after what she has been through this month, then I can live with the uncertainty in my own life that had been getting me down.
Keep on winning the battles Wendy and above all, keep smiling as in all the times I have seen you, I have never seen you without that smile. I send my love, prayers and best wishes to you and to your family. I have asked that my aunt in NZ place you on her prayer tree... "
We continue to stand, but it "ain't" easy at the moment. Emma is going round singing "Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens..." It brings a smile to Wendy, and as Meagan from New York says, she has a lot of smiles, even in our darkest moments.
Continuing in Hope,
Cheers,
Graham for Wendy, Emma, Joshua and Samuel
Update - 19 August 2003
Dear All,
A few nights ago Wendy was putting a jigsaw puzzle together. It is a Triazzle junior style puzzle, ages 3 to 7. As the box says, it is positively puzzling. I watched, and when Wendy asked if I wanted to help, my response was immediate. No! A puzzle for up to 7 year olds is beyond anything I can do, and I am dreading the mathematics that, with certainty, the children will one day bring home and trust Dad to help with. Wendy was doing the puzzle, as she wanted to see if it was complete. At the end, one piece was AWOL. A day after finding out one piece was missing, and extensive searching; the missing tile was found and put back with the box. The puzzle is now complete, although again in parts, ready for the next adventurous child or adult willing to put the mosaic together while learning "critical thinking skills".
A lot of Wendy's cancer is symbolised in both the puzzle and by that missing piece. A missing piece of our puzzle, that affected the initial treatment regime, related to the primary. What is it? The tumour markers from the biopsy early last year did not provide that puzzle piece, although it later became useful when testing for the HER-2 protein- and then another tile in the puzzle became evident that lead to Herceptin.
As with any puzzle, there are segments of the plan scattered everywhere. Several parts of the overall picture may be joined together, and several clumps may begin to form through similar patterns and colours. How they eventually fit with each other becomes clear as we work through the puzzle. It would be potentially useful if we had an overview picture similar to what is on the front of puzzle box covers. It would give us something to work towards. Perhaps one puzzle sub clump for us relates to finding active molecules better than the Herceptin compound, and potentially by a different mechanism, against Wendy's cancer. To test, we need a cell line grown from the brain tumour.
There is a research company waiting in the wings, quietly. Their chief scientific officer is a grandmaster chess champion. He has discovered some fantastic findings in the fight against cancer and previously worked with the Ludwig Institute of Cancer research where he pioneered work with turning cancer cells off. This man of huge talent advises, "I hope this work will help us to develop our research; I'm sure you understand that even with good fortune, this experiment is a bit of a long shot. Please understand that we will be doing this work with our utmost professional care in recognition of the source of the material. Here's to an excellent outcome." Yes, here's to an excellent outcome, and may I raise my virtual glass, for such people willing to try. Wendy and I are grateful.
In terms of trying, there are many lined up on the cricket pitch to bat for our cause. Success- would people pray that the work of that research company in the wings is Spirit directed, that God intervenes with powerful and fruitful direction to make the long shot something special? As for where it goes even in the event that some of the molecules were to prove highly active, that is one of the missing pieces in our jigsaw. As Zechariah chapter 4 reminds us, it is God that will make the difference. Please pray that God makes a very significant Z plus X difference to the pioneering work being done by this grandmaster chess player and the company. Yet there is a critical "before" in terms of getting to this research company- and that is that the cell line actually grows. The cell line continues to grow slowly- some irony given they are cancer cells being fostered. Many technical difficulties continue to exist even to grow the cell line.
Wendy went to the pain specialist yesterday. She remains concerned that a degree of fentanyl dependency has been built, and other matters like no appetite, sweating, and low opportunity to pull the good old Aussie outback cistern chain (in our case it is a button) on a regular basis, may be linked to the tramal. I am yet to confirm with Wendy again, as she is very wiped out and a little out of communications range given her sleep status, but as from this morning, Wendy was hoping to reduce the current tramal strength by half, while keeping the 75 micro gram per hour patches. Going well, then over the coming weeks we had the hope of reducing the 75-mg/ hr to 50 mg/ hr fentanyl patches. All going well- that remains the difficult unknown. I have to say that Wendy's systems are very run down, and we are very concerned about how thin she has become.
Wendy is very tired. What Wendy has been through is enough to traumatise even the best of us, and when coupled with radiation treatment, tiredness is to be expected. Today, our oncologist was going to give Wendy both Navelbine and Herceptin, but after looking at the blood tests, saw a very low reading of white blood cells. Given low capacity to fight infection, he made the last minute call to provide Herceptin only. Dr Josie R., our oncologist, wants full scans in about 4 week's time.
After living through recent events that began on 14 July 2003 and progressively deteriorated, with incredible speed, we ponder that a short month later it appears that 7 out of 7 confirmed brain tumours have been eliminated. Whatever your custom, would you raise a glass with me in thanks to Him Who Is (He Is Who He Is, is my transposing perspective of "I Am Who I Am" found in Exodus 3 verse 14). "He Is".
At the front of Wendy's bible, there are two dedications. The first was penned when gifted; the other has been inked after the radio stereotactic surgery. The words reflect a perspective:
"Dear Wendy. He chose us, and hears us in our time, our space, and our limited existence. If we came to a beginning, nay, the beginning, to the instant when time became time, there would be a before, and He Is Who He Is would exist before the start. If we came to the end of space, to the farthest flung galaxy in the Universe; to the end of everything where even vacuum ceased to be; there would be a place further on, and He Who Is would be in that beyond. If we could divide the nucleus of an atom again and again and even further until nothing, there would still be something, and He Who Is would be in the between. And if time ticked its last fraction of tock, there would still be another tick, and He Who Is and Was, would remain.
God is the great He Is. In prayer, we are drawn into the presence of Him who changes the course of history, and our lives have meaning. While I pray for healing, above all else, I pray for our salvation. Love, Graham."
What is the next obstacle? Apart from prayer relating to the foregoing, the cancer throughout Wendy's body and Wendy's weight seem pressing. The last scans indicated cancer growth. Prayer to remove the cancer in the liver, as a first priority, would be appreciated. Also, that Wendy's appetite would allow her sufficient nourishment for the battles ahead.
Albeit earthen vessels, we are heard by the Creator. We are heard, all because He used the selfish desires in humanity to assist Him to voluntarily climb the Cross; a Cross that is given and remains a gift of choice. We have the right to pray through He who suffered on the Cross. We have choice. Prayer is choice. While we may feel desire and even be prompted to pray, it is we who choose to do it. We are not puppets. It is we who are given the choice concerning Him. Thankyou for your enduring prayers.
While it has not been pleasant, we remain standing in His strength, and by the prayers of the many. There remain battles on many fronts, none easy, and the war on the medical front still does not weigh in our favour- but we have Hope, and that is something that will always tip the balance.
With an upstanding raising of my Tokay filled port glass, "HE IS WHO HE IS".
Cheers,
Graham for Wendy, Emma, Joshua and Samuel
Update - 14 August 2003
Dear All,
At almost 21 months of age, Samuel has learnt something new. He has learned to jump- or launching himself may be a better description. Jumping tall stools in a single bound, or two bounds, or maybe three... Jumping on Simba the cat- luckily, Simba is a British Shorthair breed, and to date has a marvellous temperament. Samuel jumps on the lounge; he jumps from the bath side; he jumps on his Grandad; he jumps on his sister and brother- the latter two may prove occupational hazards as Emma and Joshua may not be as tolerant as his Grandad- also, children tend to have different reaction mechanisms at 6 and 4 years respectively. The elder children may back their views with what they consider appropriate actions that would constitute assault charges. Needless to say, Samuel has a large bump on his head from his new activity- not from either elder child, but simply because he tried to jump one stool too many. Poor mite has had a bumpy day.
Wendy has had a few bumps herself after a 12-hour hospital day.
Leaving home around 7.30 am, she started her picnic day by visiting the 1.5T Siemens Magnetom Vision System with 25 mT gradients around 9 am- after donning ear plugs for brain MRI (the machine is surprisingly noisy), she visited Dr Bob S. who promptly put something akin to a neck brace around her head. This over-simplifies a rather unpleasant experience, that begins 15 minutes before as you take the paracetamol forte followed by 4 short injections into the head, for local and short term pain management; followed by 4 other injections in the same places which, thanks to the first four injections, don't cause any major discomfort as several hour pain management is undertaken; followed by screwing in some rather pointy bolts to hold the circular brace, or device, in place. Well, squeamish Graham managed to last through that process, although one nurse told me she feinted the first time she witnessed the bolting. After that, Wendy went, with the brace in place, (inconveniently situated on a level plane with the mouth- hence drinking is somewhat difficult- straws are good) for a CT scan. The CT scan is completed with the device so that a plane of reference is determined, and this is used for comprehensive computer mapping. Even with some fantastic hardware and software, it takes many hours for detailed planning- and Wendy had to sit with the top-heavy device around her head throughout the entire day.
Bumps come in many ways. While waiting, Wendy decided she would like a pillow and, being overbalanced by the device, managed a fall. Nurses ran from everywhere, all concerned with the fact that the bolted device had not moved. Well, it hadn't, and after examination by Dr Bob S., Wendy managed to recoup (with a newly acquired pillow) her composure in the waiting room.
The mapping targeted 2 tumours. However, Dr Bob S. indicated 2 other suspect areas- which he felt where either tumours or blood product from the surgery. He considered it was more than likely blood product, however, we will not know this for another 6 or so weeks.
The stereotactic radio surgery treats what you can see from MRI and Cat Scans. It went well for the first tumour. Some 25 arcs cover hundreds of angles, with about 30 minutes required for each tumour; the time including many stops and starts as different calibrations are taken and angles altered on the extensive machinery.
Off course, then came our next bump. Wendy threw up- but just after they had finished whacking the first tumour with all those lovely photons. Again, we gained significant attention as technicians and nurses turned up with buckets; mops; and the mandatory screw drivers- to unbolt Wendy's fitted device from where it locked into the overall machinery. After some maxolon, and the CD in the radiation room being turned up so Wendy could hear some pleasant music, the second tumour had its turn. I was outside with the 5 staff, 4 computer consoles (one of the keyboards requiring a two key agreement to allow the computer to begin the treatment), 2-camera monitors- and several teddy bears. Why the teddy bears? Many children use the facility, and I spent several minutes looking at the numerous drawings and cards from children who had used the Siemens equipment prior to our even being aware of the therapy.
In the last e-mail update I mentioned Zechariah Chapter 4. The line immediately following the quoted sentence is relevant to us. Quoting further: "Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord Almighty. What are you, O mighty mountain? ... you will become level ground."
Mountains becoming level? Obstacles that seem so invincible will be levelled. I have the feeling we will not appreciate when our mountain of obstacle has been made flat until we have travelled past what was, and look back and say, "what happened to it?" Given our bumpy day, it may be possible that we have transited a few levelled mountains and are experiencing speed humps- being close enough to level ground. Unfortunately, several speed humps can make for a bumpy ride! We do not yet have time to reflect on the sequence of events relating to our obstacles. Rather, we simply have time to go over the speed hump and see what mountain, or series of mountain ranges, will next confront our lives, and in prayer, ask God to act and reduce new challenges to level ground.
A summary of the mountains and responses to those mountains shows dramatic speed. This is remarkable if we appreciate that what is happening involves surgeons and specialists who have pre-booked diaries well in advance of any requests we made of them. 14 July. CT scans indicated that brain tumours, despite extensive whole of brain radiation therapy, had grown and were 4 in number. 15 July. Met with Dr Josie R, Oncologist, to discuss the CT scans. He suggests stereotactic therapy with Dr Bob S., Prince of Wales Hospital. He considers brain surgery high risk and not his recommendation. 17 July. Met with Dr Bob S. Stereotactic radio surgery treatment is insufficient against the large tumour, being a 3 cm lesion in the left cerebellar hemisphere. Despite saying he will not treat more than 3 secondary brain tumours, he agrees to the treatment after conducting an urgent same day MRI that shows 6 secondary tumours, but considers surgery should be seriously considered. 18 July. Met with Dr Raymond C, neurosurgeon and further MRI scans organised. 21 July. Comprehensive MRI scans at North Shore Private, showing 7 tumours. 22 July. After reviewing the MRI scans, Dr C. agrees to operate. 28 July. Dr Raymond Cook extracts 5 tumours at North Shore Private. 5 August. Wendy discharged. 14 August. Radiation stereotactic surgery commenced and completed on the two remaining tumours.
I cannot say Wendy had a good day. It was a little too bumpy. Just as we were leaving, we asked Dr Bob S. when was the next treatment date. It seems that, provided the other 2 abnormal areas prove to be blood product and no other tumours appear, then today was it. After expecting many weeks of treatment, we felt that at least two of our obstacle mountains had caused a bumpy speed hump, but might not be any longer in the mountain category. We reflected on Zechariah Chapter 4 as we drove home, very tired.
As I write this, Wendy has an ice pack on the various bur holes caused by the bolts, and Dr Bob S. mentioned black eyes after what she has been through are not uncommon. Wendy has decided today was not a fashion day with potential black eyes; throwing up; a few bruises from her fall; ice packs; circular metal devices bolted into the head, and earplugs for MRI scans...not a Melbourne Cup social picture! Tomorrow will be different.
Cheers, from our family as it continues to conquer mountains- all through prayer. Thanks again for inspired prayer. There are many mountains ahead, and in Hope we trust that they will all become mere bumps on our journey,
Graham for Wendy, Emma, Joshua and Samuel
Update - 12 August 2003
Dear All,
Late night parties and raging until the dawn peeps up in the East was the weekend theme for Wendy. Well, maybe that is a slight exaggeration. Still, she managed to attend church and then go to Gordon markets- I made the error of suggesting she might rest. Once bitten, twice shy, and I will be more careful with recommendations.
As I mentioned in a mid June update, Wendy and I missed hearing the song written for Wendy by Trevor Warren and put to score by our local Minister, Rev Steve Everist. These two got together and "cut" (not in a sound studio) a CD for Wendy one afternoon last week. Alistair has put the composition onto the website, and this may be downloaded for your hearing pleasure. Go to www.wendyboyd.info and click on the relevant music icon. Trevor's pertinent words of "My Life In Your Hands" may speak to others who suffer from cancer or other significant challenge.
Wendy continues to grow stronger, although she needs time out to rest. Unfortunately, this coming Thursday 14 August will not be a good day for Wendy. She is scheduled for an MRI at the Prince of Wales Hospital at 9 am and, given our location on the North Shore, issues of parking and peak hour traffic, will have to set out with packed lunch a lot earlier. After the MRI she will go to radiation oncology for, I guess, planning and set up. I do not know if they will start treatment on the day. Dr Bob S. indicated that no statistical reason exists to show that a pellet inserted into the tumours to guide the treatment provides superior results, and hence he will not be using any pellets.
The stereotactic planning/ treatment may not go well given history of the downside effects from the Herceptin and Navelbine (as well as the bone hardener- why not have the entire box and dice!) chemo that Wendy received today. It is unfortunate that some negative effects are probable at king tide level on Thursday. While today's blood count showed reasonable platelets, Wendy is border line anaemia- and while not critical it remains something to be monitored. As for post neurosurgery? What was that? While scant weeks ago, the surgery has already become a distant event. It is difficult, and to a degree overwhelming, as Wendy faces a series of rough waves having barely gotten through a whirlpool of emotion, tiredness and physical efforts from significant surgery. The struggle of body, mind and spirit continues unabated. Wendy thought she would have 6 weeks before the stereotactic therapy, and was joyous in her response that she had such time before tackling the brain tumours again. We need prayerful assistance to overcome the physical, spiritual and psychological mountains. Wendy's response has been to simply get on with it- although she feels daunted by further challenge.
One of last Sunday's readings included the words from Zechariah Chapter 4- "Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord Almighty." I felt that passage spoke to Wendy's circumstance. While any breakthrough for Wendy may use human agents, it is not we who make the achievement, but God. As the passage says, "Not by might, nor by power"- meaning, not by the things in our hands, our resources, our trying our hardest. Rather, the breakthrough is from God and the working of God's Spirit with power in and through us. We may be instruments of God's Spirit to bring about significant change. In Haggai Chapter 1 we are reminded that while we may put in huge efforts, using all our resources and skills, it is God's blessing in response to us doing His bidding that makes success both lasting and fruitful. While we may strive and think we have great talent and skill, it remains with God to make real difference. A giant vision needs God.
How God responds to our various prayers remains His.
I mentioned in the update of 28 July 2003 that some tumour tissue was being used to see if a cell line might be grown. The culture continues to slowly grow, although there are technical reasons for why they might fail. Those involved advise "...It appears we have managed to get some of the tumour to grow in culture. After speaking this morning to the research assistant who is attempting the cell culture, it seems that they are growing well at this stage so perhaps this is the first step. It will still need to be confirmed what cell types are present in the cultures since it sometimes happens that the tumour cells become overtaken by other fast-growing cells such as fibroblasts. But assuming that the tumour cells themselves are thriving, this might provide a basis for some experimentation... toward finding a pharmacological way to block the tumour growth."
There are sensitivities that preclude my providing further details about this at the moment, although I may say that what has and continues to occur is very unusual, if not unique. Prayer in relation to this would be appreciated.
In praise, again for the still to come sentence in 2 Corinthians Chapter 1, verses 8 to 11 for Wendy and our circumstances, "He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us." To fulfil this missing element, then the Spirit of God needs to move us to insightful, moving prayer of action and outcome centred on God's spiritual Cornerstone of power and strength. Prayer based as always on the true Rock, the strong Foundation; prayer that is held and bolted to immeasurable Love.
Wendy completed more patchwork today, and I understand was very "chatty" with a number of her chemo neighbours. You meet the nicest people while having chemo!
Cheers, with a smile in spite of Thursday's anticipated king tide (at least it is never a dull moment, although we could really do with a few),
Graham for Wendy, Emma, Joshua and Samuel (for whom the terrible two's have come early).
(www.wendyboyd.info)
The update of 9 June 2003 provides the poetry entitled "My Life In Your Hands" inspired by Wendy's circumstances. Trevor Warren wrote it on the train journey to and from his work in Sydney. The song lyrics may be heard at the website www.wendyboyd.info
Update - 5 August 2003
Dear All,
A year ago, Joshua had his third birthday at his friend William's house, as others took the lead and helped the party that Wendy was not well enough to organise. Last Saturday, while we had a bat cave home venue, a troop of supporters again took the brunt and prepared everything from sausage rolls, Batman lolly bags to the Batman birthday cake. At his third birthday, Mummy was able to attend, and Joshua said to Wendy, "Are these people here for me?" On Saturday, 2 August, Joshua was again in awe of people coming to see him- and for the early part of the celebration was backed up to the bat cave wall as children attempted to foist presents on him. Wendy was disappointed that she missed this home cave event, and several of Wendy's friends felt a touch of incompleteness that she could not be with Joshua: to hold his hand when he was backed against the wall; to laugh with him as Batman acted, well, like Batman; and to share with Joshua the wonder of people singing happy birthday to "Bat Joshua" while he tried, very unsuccessfully, to extinguish 4 birthday candles. It is always the last lit candle that takes a 4 year old superhero effort, and after 20 bat-blows Joshua was receiving non- restrained offers of assistance from fellow cave dwellers, gaining standing applause when he triumphed.
Joshua had a ball. Wendy and I have a lovely son who is a deep thinker, and perhaps the one most unable to verbalise his feelings relating to Wendy's condition. Joshua did see Wendy that afternoon, along with "Emma the sensitive" and destructor man Samuel. It was somewhat mayhem in the hospital room as Samuel found the limits imposed by Wendy's hospital room door on several occasions, and he gave no special treatment for "birthday boy" as Samuel the 20 month front rower tried a few crash tackles on the batman disguised Joshua.
Wendy was discharged today, Tuesday 5 August 2003. The weekend saw Wendy gain further strength, and on physiotherapy advice we walked the fire stairs from level 3 to level 5 (40, puff, stairs) and then back numerous times every day- and tried a few balancing acts down the ward corridors; as well as walking foot in front of foot down some narrow lines on carpet. The surgery stitches and clips were removed this morning. The surgeon has done great, and we hope, inspired work. Wendy told the surgeon he is invited to her 40th birthday- and Raymond C. told her it was a date! I do not think our surgeon realised that the birthday is still two and a half years hence. In a time frame well before that milestone, Wendy will see the surgeon after further MRI's scheduled in 6 weeks time. He told us last night to let things settle down before commencing radiation stereotactic treatment, which meant we should "cool it" until we may expect good MRI's again- i.e. 6 plus weeks. Wendy is feeling battered, and a reprieve for 6 more weeks before taking on further challenge provided her with clear relief. I saw the relief on her face and in her voice last night, it was almost a joy of release with realisation that something unpleasant was being deferred, and I was reminded of the significant stress she has and continues to undergo.
On this 8th day after her major operation, Wendy promptly went from discharge to the Hornsby clinic for a delightful afternoon of chemo. Herceptin only. To have the Navelbine, after such a major operation, was not prudent notwithstanding the need to halt the progression of the body cancer. She is anaemic. Wendy will receive the combined Navelbine and Herceptin next Tuesday 12 August. Wendy is not looking forward to the side effects of this, and we hope that the further pain is worth it, given potential downside relating to the inconsistent chemo treatment over the last few months. When I came home from work this evening, I have to say Wendy was and continues in significant discomfort being very much "zonked".
On the cusp of last weekend, Wendy took an initiative by reducing the fentanyl patches from 100 micrograms per hour to 75 micrograms per hour, and changed the 200mg tramadol hydrochloride (tramal) tablets to sustained release at 12-hour intervals. She saw a pain specialist from the University of Sydney Pain Management and Research Centre, Royal North Shore Hospital, late last Friday before commencing this action. Wendy will visit the pain management centre on 18 August to review options, driven by Wendy's overall desire to be rid of the fentanyl.
While at church last Sunday a song by Geoff Bullock reminded me of the part we play in prayer. I recount the chorus: "Have faith in God; Let your hope rest on the faith He has placed in your heart; Never give up; Never let go of the faith He has placed in your heart." In faith, great things may happen. The prayers being offered remain unceasing, originating from all continents bar Antarctica.
Faith and prayer. Never giving up. Sometimes we think that faith is something that pre-exists, and we have it; or we think it does not exist and as such we will never obtain it within ourselves. Faith has a beginning and is about something within that grows; it is not static; it is a process within our lives.
Some bat-caves have stalactites. These cone structures have small, calcium bicarbonate droplets of beginning, deep within the earth. Deep within.... I hope the nourishing droplets for faith continue to provide increments of growth that while almost imperceivable, take hold and strengthen, providing beautiful faith stalactites capable of moving that which they are formed within. Light is occasionally shone into our deep recesses through good and bad life experiences, and then the beauty of those stalactites of faith are evident- light from circumstances exposing cathedrals of not only stalactites but also of columns, shawls, straws, stalagmites, flowstones, draperies- all different, all from the Source and providing beauty where none might otherwise be expected. The prayers of the faithful are powerful. No matter what the status of where we are at, even the weakest droplets have importance in the layered stalactites of faith, with brilliance illustrated against life and whatever life stores for each of us. Our impurities, rather than detracting, combine to create unique colours, with the formation of giants in places where none have seen or felt- except God. Faith gifted by God. Within us. Growing.
The many stalactites of Spirit gifted faith generate prayers of influence, even from the smallest nucleus that may be a first drop in formation itself. Those prayers made in faith have been and are being responded to in the Spiritual realm. The smallest and newest faith can change the world through prayer that influences God's intervention. Wendy and I again thankyou for those prayers- and look forward to the time when we might say that we have been rescued; to the time when we shall relate the missing sentence in our war from 2 Corinthians Chapter 1: "He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us."
Cheers from the father of the world's new superhero, albeit only 4 years of age; WHAM! BAM! WHAM (again)! And, KA-POW! As with all good bat sequels, more bat emails are certain to follow. The damsel is in distress. A lot has happened since February 2002. Yet we remain people of faith. It is what we have. It is who we are. Cancer may not have it, or lay claim to it in any way. Please remain bold in your prayers. Signing out from the bat cave, for now....
Graham for Wendy, Emma, Joshua and Samuel
Update - 1 August 2003
Dear All,
I have been kicked out of the hospital for Wendy's rest period and hence am able to write this update. I will also fulfil a promise to Emma that I would walk over to the school and collect her this afternoon (the school is literally across the road). Wendy asked that I give Emma a kiss from her, and let her know that Mummy is thinking of her. Joshua has figured out that tomorrow he is getting his long belated 4th birthday party, and we will see if we can take him, depending on his sugar levels, to see Wendy on Saturday afternoon. Samuel is being destructive, and continues to provide a huge amount of debris from thrown balls, pot plants and stuffed animals on the road outside our main balcony- luckily we have some understanding neighbours who bring it back- which translates to extra ammunition for the young Samuel.
I have been amazed at how quickly Wendy is becoming stronger. She has a way to go, and indeed is under some threats from nurses if she does anything without a nurse present, yet she is looking "fab". Pain remains an ongoing issue, and Wendy hopes to see a leader in this field later this afternoon. She was transferred to room 320 yesterday, Thursday 31 July 2003, and has not looked back. This is despite the conspiracy of dee dee doo machines following Wendy to the wards- they are everywhere!
Our journey is truly of body, mind and spirit. While such a statement aligns with our priorities it should be reversed to spirit, mind and then body. The blackness of 3 days short of 3 weeks ago to this evening has subsided. However, without the Spirit's intervention inspired by many prayers, and the prayers inspired by the Spirit's intervention, our battle would be simply lost. We continue to request God's authority to change our circumstances in this beginning, not end. Prayers along the lines of 2 Corinthians 1 vs. 8 to 11 are welcome. These words, inscribed so many centuries and indeed millennia ago, do literally describe our needs and life today. While the sandshoes compared to then may have changed, our needs never will- no matter what generation; time or technology. And the inspiring part relates to the prayers of the many.
"We do not want you to be uninformed brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favour granted us in answer to the prayers of many."
The prayers of many. Thankyou. The prayers of many continue to humble and inspire us to live a joyful life in the midst of storms. The prayers of many allows hope to exist in the darkest places. The prayers of many are reflected in a large card kept open at the back of Wendy's bed, signed by numerous people who attended the Turramurra Uniting Church Chapel between 9 am to 9 pm last Monday- they have messages of hope- very determined hope focused on inspired outcome. The card is but one that graphically illustrates the prayers of many, and equates to the card we received from Silverwater prisoners (Kairos ministry program) when all looked black early last year. That other special card came from prisoners who found new life directions and wanted to share a commitment to take part in prayer for our needs. The prayers of many.
One day we hope to write similar and timeless words to those written to the Corinthian church. The time has not yet come to write those words, although all but one line is now in place. The missing line relates to "He has delivered Wendy from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver all of us." Please pray for this missing sentence. This sentence will provide the bridge between the sentence of power summarised in something beyond any concept we could imagine by the "God who raises the dead", with us relying on His strength; and the sentence of hope and deliverance.
Again, thankyou for prayer. If I highlight prayer again and again it is because it does make a difference, and it is our very lifeblood in our peril.
And all prayer counts, even the quick 30 second ones. Such prayers, no matter what their time, are drops of refreshment that have pooled, to form an ocean of deepness that will not be stopped.
Wendy feels at peace.
Through inspired prayer, and being part of many that make a difference, cheers.
Graham for Wendy, Emma, Joshua and Samuel